party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
