the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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