What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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