I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just cropdusted the office
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
