while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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