There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
