so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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