my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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