I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
