PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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