I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
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its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
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Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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