someone threw a dead crab at me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
