he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
