I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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