I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
