i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
