Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
