Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.