he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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