i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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