You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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