Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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