My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
