I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I could make wine with my vomit
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
