Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
