I can text with my tongue
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
