Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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