he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
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You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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