I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
