my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
