next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
