Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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