my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
