I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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