Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
