My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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