If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
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There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
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Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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