I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
