I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
