obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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