Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
