K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
