What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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