Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
