Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I am midnight drunk by noon
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
