you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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