I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
