I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
