Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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