There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
