Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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