Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
