Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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