Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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