i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
