Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
