and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
it's like iHOP with fire
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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