Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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