He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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