Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So much Jack, so little girl.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
